Holding the Line

I've made it.  I have officially and successfully completed the nursing program.  It's quite a strange feeling really, and I'm not sure that I have completely wrapped my mind around the idea that I don't have to stay up until 1 AM to study tonight.

These last two years have been a grind, one of the biggest and most intense challenges that I have faced.  Natural labor, well shoot, that only lasted for around 10 hours (and was fabulously amazing).  I'm at a loss for adequate words for how this venture has changed me.  I am a worker by nature, my parents have given me the drive to attack whatever challenge at hand with 110% effort.  I don't nap, I can't sit for long, and I like to be moving forward.  That being said, I have been treading water for many years... searching for something, outside of family, that I could apply myself too.  Nursing was about the farthest thing from my radar, as I grew up with a nurse, and heard all the gory details from a young age.  Be it rebellion, or common sense, I wanted nothing to do with it (despite the amazing nurse my mother is).  But when I was faced with having a significant other (and the prospects of a family), I wanted something that would honor them, and satisfy my "people centered" nature.  I began this journey almost 10 years ago, when Cam was generous enough to support me quitting my job to get my nursing assistant certification and go back to school.  Looking back, I think I was fairly lost..... Boy, how times have changed.

If you've been following along since the beginning of my blog, you would know that we moved the weekend prior to me starting school.  The first day was one of the worst.  I didn't have internet access, so therefore did not do an assignment that was due the first day (what a great first impression).  We were living in our 24' travel trailer in our meadow, which has since burned, with an outhouse, and generators when we really needed power-- and Barrett the first day sliced his head open with a bungee he stretched out too far and came back to split his head open.  Tears, many tears, questions of what the heck I was doing, and little sleep characterized those first months.  Quarter by quarter the pattern repeated with incremental improvements.  We moved our trailer up to an area I could have internet service, then eventually into our shop.  Every night was about the same.. kids to bed around 8, then my work began and didn't stop until around 1 AM.   AND CAM.... Cam has been the soldier, marching me through the motions, providing strength, warm meals, encouragement, and frankly overlooking the times when I reached the end of my rope.  He's taken on daily care of the kids, helping build our shop, and now building a home.  Our transition to different roles has not been easy, but yet nothing we ever do seems to be "normal," and easy has never been in our cards.  I have often mourned the loss of my role in the household, and am still trying to realize the scope of my efforts.

BUT... here we are.  On the other end of sacrifice.  We have made it, intact, as a family.  After we built our first house, Cam and I often said that if that could be done with a newborn, nothing could stop us.  But I'm fairly certain, nursing school takes the cake.    We continue to persevere as a family, and really that is all we could hope for.  On a personal level, I have found something that is so innately a piece of my being, that I can't help but pinch myself to now be getting a paycheck for it.  There is nothing as amazing as being able to touch lives the way nurses can, to truly help those in need, or to give respect to a life.  It is something that no one can understand unless you stand in those shoes.  I am proud of myself for FINALLY completing something, but the best reward is having someone in need thank you for your help, your non-judgemental presence, or the kind touch that turned an awful situation into something manageable.  That is powerful!

Right now, I am enjoying nap time without a huge textbook... I brushed my horses, tended to animals, and am preparing for the speech I was asked to give at our pinning ceremony (YIKES).  I feel both a huge weight off my shoulders, and the anticipation of starting a new job and all the learning that is yet to be done.  Most of all I am grateful.  Number one, hands down for my husband, that has gotten me through it all, seen me cry more times than one can count, who has reassured me I am still a good mom despite my absence, and who has been a large part of the reason I completed this.   I'm thankful for all the friendships made, and new family gained.  I'm thankful for the opportunity to have proven to myself what I am capable of............... there is no one who can crush a spirit more like yourself, but I think I'm finally getting through my thick skull what I possess inside of me.  I'm happy to be able to care for my family well, doing something I truly enjoy.   

So here is to new adventures, new beginnings, and more time being at home.  Here is to the struggle that leaves us so far from the person we were when we began.  Here is to the success of a family unit and the demonstration to children of what it takes to reach goals.  Here is to a good night sleep.......